I've had the rug pulled out from under me so many times that I'm still not certain I'm moving into Tahoe Senior Plaza. Even though the manager talked to my past five years landlords and even though all three said they were sending documents one needs to get into a HUD senior project, even though I talked to one of them and he said he was sending it that afternoon, I am still sitting here scared that it won’t happen.
Honest that's what the last ten years of my life has done to me. I'm scared, distrust everyone, think people will scheme to work against me. Still. Because that did happen to me when I was doing City of Angels Blog about the pedophile priests from 2007 to about 2015 when I quit and all the weird stuff happening in my life came to a stop. Mostly. It’s so bad that as I learn more about Black Cube, the Israeli private spy corporation that helped get Trump elected, I see some of the tactics they have used politically in things that happened to me, especially when I was living in Chicago. “They sent operatives” to fuck with people’s lives, reports NBC. I know that several of the people who were in my life during those years were operatives, and I know something weird happened to Lizzie while I was in Chicago that was paid for by that archbishop, I just know it. Sometimes you feel something and know it's true, but you can't prove it. So I'm in a state of fear and perpetual distrust even now.
As I plan to move into my third senior project, I have to train myself to keep my mouth shut. Last thing I want is to effect a Big Thud, which was what used to happen every time I mentioned I was writing about the pedophile priests as one of the victims. Whatever conversation or activity was going on in a room came to a stop with a big thud.
Then after that, half the people hated me.
That years long experience gave me the perspective that the Catholic Church did an amazing job of convincing its members that the pedophile priest victims were pulling some kind of con, it wasn’t as big a deal as everyone says, kind of like what I say about Harvey Weinstein, which personally I've found perplexing so have been trying to keep my mouth shut about that too.
Lately while riding the Number Fifty bus on Sundays, I've seen many of my future neighbors from the senior place get on there and get off at the Catholic Church. Several locals do signs of the cross every time the bus passes the church. Crazy Mary who complains I smell of marijuana goes there more than once a week, always on Sunday, I think she still wears that safari hat.
Catholics are everywhere and I still have this thing that follows me everywhere I go, where anyone with an internet connection can Google my name and find the blog I wrote about the pedophile priests and it's caused me to Have To Move from the last two senior housing projects I lived in, one in Elgin one in Lancaster. One guy in Lancaster got so hostile to me after he found out I was a vocal pedophile priest “survivor” that he’d chase me around the grounds in his electric wheelchair scowling at me. He spied on me. I'd look up and see him looking in my window. He also volunteered on Sundays with children at the Catholic Church that was across the street from that apartment building.
So right now, today as I sit here having to wait at least until Tuesday maybe a couple days more before I have a definite move in date, I was actually crying a few minutes ago. Because I can't feel secure YET.
Because the rug has been pulled out from under me so many times, over and over, that I just expect it.
Maybe more than my apartment is about to change.
Or
I still have an exit plan. If I don't move in there for some reason, I'm sure as hell not staying in this awful apartment with hollering crazy neighbors. So still have to start packing
I still have an exit plan, three of them actually, from last years of thinking of moving. Maybe I was crying because now I'll never move to Vancouver.
Hmm. Here is what I wrote about The Big Thud few years back:
Honest that's what the last ten years of my life has done to me. I'm scared, distrust everyone, think people will scheme to work against me. Still. Because that did happen to me when I was doing City of Angels Blog about the pedophile priests from 2007 to about 2015 when I quit and all the weird stuff happening in my life came to a stop. Mostly. It’s so bad that as I learn more about Black Cube, the Israeli private spy corporation that helped get Trump elected, I see some of the tactics they have used politically in things that happened to me, especially when I was living in Chicago. “They sent operatives” to fuck with people’s lives, reports NBC. I know that several of the people who were in my life during those years were operatives, and I know something weird happened to Lizzie while I was in Chicago that was paid for by that archbishop, I just know it. Sometimes you feel something and know it's true, but you can't prove it. So I'm in a state of fear and perpetual distrust even now.
As I plan to move into my third senior project, I have to train myself to keep my mouth shut. Last thing I want is to effect a Big Thud, which was what used to happen every time I mentioned I was writing about the pedophile priests as one of the victims. Whatever conversation or activity was going on in a room came to a stop with a big thud.
Then after that, half the people hated me.
That years long experience gave me the perspective that the Catholic Church did an amazing job of convincing its members that the pedophile priest victims were pulling some kind of con, it wasn’t as big a deal as everyone says, kind of like what I say about Harvey Weinstein, which personally I've found perplexing so have been trying to keep my mouth shut about that too.
Lately while riding the Number Fifty bus on Sundays, I've seen many of my future neighbors from the senior place get on there and get off at the Catholic Church. Several locals do signs of the cross every time the bus passes the church. Crazy Mary who complains I smell of marijuana goes there more than once a week, always on Sunday, I think she still wears that safari hat.
Catholics are everywhere and I still have this thing that follows me everywhere I go, where anyone with an internet connection can Google my name and find the blog I wrote about the pedophile priests and it's caused me to Have To Move from the last two senior housing projects I lived in, one in Elgin one in Lancaster. One guy in Lancaster got so hostile to me after he found out I was a vocal pedophile priest “survivor” that he’d chase me around the grounds in his electric wheelchair scowling at me. He spied on me. I'd look up and see him looking in my window. He also volunteered on Sundays with children at the Catholic Church that was across the street from that apartment building.
So right now, today as I sit here having to wait at least until Tuesday maybe a couple days more before I have a definite move in date, I was actually crying a few minutes ago. Because I can't feel secure YET.
Because the rug has been pulled out from under me so many times, over and over, that I just expect it.
Maybe more than my apartment is about to change.
Or
I still have an exit plan. If I don't move in there for some reason, I'm sure as hell not staying in this awful apartment with hollering crazy neighbors. So still have to start packing
I still have an exit plan, three of them actually, from last years of thinking of moving. Maybe I was crying because now I'll never move to Vancouver.
Hmm. Here is what I wrote about The Big Thud few years back:
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