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Saturday, July 13, 2024

Closing jokes from Bill Maher last night, read here

AI generated transcript published here

[Only  way I can consume news of the election coming up in November is through Comedy, and, to me, Bill Maher hit so many nails on the head in the closing minutes of last night’s show that I published the AI generated transcript here. Because I like to read jokes too. The Transcript Project at CofA Blog is my way of documenting, in print, relevant and critical moments from this time in U.S. history, and the fact that the only broadcasters getting it right are doing comedy is a big part of the story, so probably more like this to come.] 

TRANSCRIPT: 

Last night's Real Time with Bill Maher SHOW closing

[My favorite quote: They'll attack Newsom on California's homeless problem. But there's a response to that. The homeless can live anywhere but they choose California.]

48:26

The issue with President Biden isn't if, it's who, who will replace him. Because he is not going to be the democrat's candidate for president in 2024. All due respect above any matters of politics or what's right or wrong, the one thing I know for sure about America is this. It's run by Mean Girls. Mean Girls in the press and in politics and in life and when they smell blood in the water, the lust to finish off a vulnerable person will never be denied.

49:02

Biden is toast. The walls will keep crumbling and my pick in the office pool for when he gives it up is August 9th, the 50th anniversary of when Nixon did, for of course very different reasons. Yes replacing a president as his Party's candidate this late will seem like a big deal for about three days and then we'll all be over it. It'll be like when a coworker gets her tits done [Applause] [LAUGHTER]

*

It'll be like when a coworker gets her tits done [Applause] [LAUGHTER]

*

49:35

Yeah, at first it's oh my God. And a week later they're just her tits. America is going to do this we're going to get new [Applause] tits. So let's start handicapping the candidates. I just want to be your guide here and tell you what the choices are. Kamala Harris vice president will get all of Biden's campaign money and on the democrat's best issue abortion she's a walking reminder to women that

50:08

Republicans are coming for the abortion pill. She won't just protect Plan B she is Plan B and as a former prosecutor Kamala was putting criminals in jail back before liberal decided that was a bad thing.

*

As a former prosecutor Kamala was putting criminals in jail back before liberals decided that was a bad thing

*

50:34

And now that CVS is locking the shaving cream behind plexiglass Democrats are coming around to her again. Harris would be the first woman president, first black woman president, and first Asian President. But I don't vote for who will be the first. I vote for who will win, and for whatever reason Harris has never been popular. You can count the number of delegates she won in the 2020 primaries on one hand as long as that hand has no fingers. [Applause]

51:08

In three years as vice president, she's been quieter than an electric car [Applause] and and like an electric car your MAGA uncle can't explain why she fills him with homicidal rage, she just does. Sometimes life isn’t fair. It's not fair that she's not popular. She's intelligent and accomplished and in fact was put in charge of the border and look at how- Okay bad example

51:38

Gavin Newsome is the governor of California, home to 12% of all Americans and 50% of all Mexicans. On the upside Newsome is the only governor with the possible exception of Kristi Noem who looks like they could do porn.

52:08

And at 6'3 and 215 lbs he's actually the height and weight Trump claims to be [Applause].  I don't want to say he really really wants to be the guy who steps in if the current nominee goes down.

52:38

But he gets an alert on his phone every time Biden can't think of a word. The downside is that governor of California is kind of like being conservator for Britney Spears. They'll attack him on California's homeless problem. But there's a response to that. The homeless can live anywhere but they choose California.

*

They'll attack Newsom on California's homeless problem. But there's a response to that. The homeless can live anywhere but they choose California.

*

53:09

Nine out of 10 machete wielding meth addicts say they wouldn't be unhoused anywhere [Applause] else. Of course the one criticism of Gavin has always been that he's slick. Yeah you know what? I'm okay with that. I notice slick is something no one has been accusing Biden of lately. Do you want good at talking or don't you.

53:40

Newsom is the best Communicator in the party with a history of standing up to bullies. And his name lends itself to the best slogans like I like Ike, I'm having Gavin. Gretchen Whitmer is a very attractive Choice. High-profile female governor who owns dogs but doesn't shoot them.

54:12

Whitmer would beat Trump in the must-win swing state she governs Michigan. And she's a pragmatist who told the Detroit Free Press I want to get [ __ ] done. And has been building up a string of victory on increasing wages, Universal background checks, expanding Health Care, legalizing weed, and protecting abortion rights and gay rights, no wonder rednecks tried to kidnap her.

54:43

Her and bonus points for the  voters who don't yet know her. Will think she already was President because of all the TV shows where the president was played by an actress who looks just like Gretchen Whitmer? [Applause] Pete Buddigieg wow impressive. Fought in Afghanistan, came in third among democrats for the nomination in 2020, is a Rhodes scholar, former mayor

55:14

And now he's the Secretary of Transportation and he's only 10 years old [LAUGHTER] but unlike Biden he's allowed to stay up past 8:00 p.m. And he's perfect. And he's perfect for the moment because as our transportation secretary Pete has experience cleaning up train wrecks. And he has the balls to go on Fox News.

*

Pete B is perfect for the moment because as our transportation secretary, he has experience cleaning up train wrecks.

*

55:44

Although it's no secret that he brings something that makes Fox conservatives very uncomfortable, facts. [Applause] for our liberals Pete checks the gay best friend box. And he's and he speaks eight languages which is eight more than [Applause] Trump.

56:14

And his worst Scandal was taking too much time off when he had a baby but if Trump brings that up, Pete can always say I forget, where were you when Melania was home nursing Baron? Okay finally there's this 37% of our presidents were Governors first. The Democratic party has all these very capable popular Progressive but not stupid woke Governors [lists names]

56:55

It's important to understand no one knows who these people are and that's good. We need some new characters on this sitcom we call a country yeah Americans like new, and these guys all you need to know is they're moderates, they're under a 100 years old, and they have a D in their name. Sure

57:27

It would be fun and probably a winner if Michelle Obama ran, but she's off living her best life. We're not going to get a superstar, we're not going to get a superstar. In this draft, we're at the airport. And at this point we just need to be sure we get the last rental car, something reasonably safe, relatively clean and not Trump. 

57:57

if there isn't a Dead girl scout in the trunk we're good to go, all right that's our show.

58:00

END OF TRANSCRIPT

Watch the video of the Show on youtube here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?V=5dwz060fre4&t=2865s 

***

Posted by Kay Ebeling

Former professional transcriber... 

 


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