AI generated transcript published here
[Only way I can consume news of the election coming up in November is through Comedy, and, to me, Bill Maher hit so many nails on the head in the closing minutes of last night’s show that I published the AI generated transcript here. Because I like to read jokes too. The Transcript Project at CofA Blog is my way of documenting, in print, relevant and critical moments from this time in U.S. history, and the fact that the only broadcasters getting it right are doing comedy is a big part of the story, so probably more like this to come.]
TRANSCRIPT:
Last night's Real Time with Bill Maher SHOW closing
[My favorite quote: They'll attack Newsom on California's homeless problem. But there's a response to that. The homeless can live anywhere but they choose California.]
48:26
The issue with President Biden isn't
if, it's who, who will replace him. Because he is not going to be the
democrat's candidate for president in 2024. All due respect above any matters
of politics or what's right or wrong, the one thing I know for sure about
America is this. It's run by Mean Girls. Mean Girls in the press and in
politics and in life and when they smell blood in the water, the lust to finish
off a vulnerable person will never be denied.
49:02
Biden is toast. The walls will keep crumbling and my pick in the office pool for when he gives it up is August 9th, the 50th anniversary of when Nixon did, for of course very different reasons. Yes replacing a president as his Party's candidate this late will seem like a big deal for about three days and then we'll all be over it. It'll be like when a coworker gets her tits done [Applause] [LAUGHTER]
*
It'll be like when a coworker gets her
tits done [Applause] [LAUGHTER]
*
49:35
Yeah, at first it's oh my God. And a
week later they're just her tits. America is going to do this we're going to
get new [Applause] tits. So let's start handicapping the candidates. I just
want to be your guide here and tell you what the choices are. Kamala Harris
vice president will get all of Biden's campaign money and on the democrat's
best issue abortion she's a walking reminder to women that
50:08
Republicans are coming for the
abortion pill. She won't just protect Plan B she is Plan B and as a former
prosecutor Kamala was putting criminals in jail back before liberal decided
that was a bad thing.
*
As a former prosecutor Kamala was
putting criminals in jail back before liberals decided that was a bad thing
*
50:34
And now that CVS is locking the
shaving cream behind plexiglass Democrats are coming around to her again.
Harris would be the first woman president, first black woman president, and
first Asian President. But I don't vote for who will be the first. I vote for
who will win, and for whatever reason Harris has never been popular. You can
count the number of delegates she won in the 2020 primaries on one hand as long
as that hand has no fingers. [Applause]
51:08
In three years as vice president,
she's been quieter than an electric car [Applause] and and like an electric car
your MAGA uncle can't explain why she fills him with homicidal rage, she just
does. Sometimes life isn’t fair. It's not fair that she's not popular. She's intelligent
and accomplished and in fact was put in charge of the border and look at how-
Okay bad example
51:38
Gavin Newsome is the governor of
California, home to 12% of all Americans and 50% of all Mexicans. On the upside
Newsome is the only governor with the possible exception of Kristi Noem who
looks like they could do porn.
52:08
And at 6'3 and 215 lbs he's actually
the height and weight Trump claims to be [Applause]. I don't want to
say he really really wants to be the guy who steps in if the current nominee
goes down.
52:38
But he gets an alert on his phone
every time Biden can't think of a word. The downside is that governor of
California is kind of like being conservator for Britney Spears. They'll attack
him on California's homeless problem. But there's a response to that. The homeless
can live anywhere but they choose California.
*
They'll attack Newsom on California's homeless problem. But there's a response to that. The homeless can live anywhere but they choose California.
*
53:09
Nine out of 10 machete wielding meth
addicts say they wouldn't be unhoused anywhere [Applause] else. Of course the
one criticism of Gavin has always been that he's slick. Yeah you know what? I'm
okay with that. I notice slick is something no one has been accusing Biden of
lately. Do you want good at talking or don't you.
53:40
Newsom is the best Communicator in
the party with a history of standing up to bullies. And his name lends itself
to the best slogans like I like Ike, I'm having Gavin. Gretchen Whitmer is a
very attractive Choice. High-profile female governor who owns dogs but doesn't
shoot them.
54:12
Whitmer would beat Trump in the
must-win swing state she governs Michigan. And she's a pragmatist who told the
Detroit Free Press I want to get [ __ ] done. And has been building
up a string of victory on increasing wages, Universal background checks,
expanding Health Care, legalizing weed, and protecting abortion rights and gay
rights, no wonder rednecks tried to kidnap her.
54:43
Her and bonus points for
the voters who don't yet know her. Will think she already was
President because of all the TV shows where the president was played by an
actress who looks just like Gretchen Whitmer? [Applause] Pete Buddigieg wow
impressive. Fought in Afghanistan, came in third among democrats for the
nomination in 2020, is a Rhodes scholar, former mayor
55:14
And now he's the Secretary of
Transportation and he's only 10 years old [LAUGHTER] but unlike Biden he's
allowed to stay up past 8:00 p.m. And he's perfect. And he's perfect for the
moment because as our transportation secretary Pete has experience cleaning up
train wrecks. And he has the balls to go on Fox News.
*
Pete B is perfect for the moment
because as our transportation secretary, he has experience cleaning up train
wrecks.
*
55:44
Although it's no secret that he brings
something that makes Fox conservatives very uncomfortable, facts. [Applause]
for our liberals Pete checks the gay best friend box. And he's and he speaks
eight languages which is eight more than [Applause] Trump.
56:14
And his worst Scandal was taking too
much time off when he had a baby but if Trump brings that up, Pete can always
say I forget, where were you when Melania was home nursing Baron? Okay finally
there's this 37% of our presidents were Governors first. The Democratic party
has all these very capable popular Progressive but not stupid woke Governors
[lists names]
56:55
It's important to understand no one
knows who these people are and that's good. We need some new characters on this
sitcom we call a country yeah Americans like new, and these guys all you need
to know is they're moderates, they're under a 100 years old, and they have a D in their name. Sure
57:27
It would be fun and probably a winner if Michelle Obama ran, but she's off living her best life. We're not going to get a superstar, we're not going to get a superstar. In this draft, we're at the airport. And at this point we just need to be sure we get the last rental car, something reasonably safe, relatively clean and not Trump.
57:57
if there isn't a Dead girl scout in the trunk we're good to go, all right that's our show.
58:00
END OF TRANSCRIPT
Watch the video of the Show on youtube here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?V=5dwz060fre4&t=2865s
***
Posted
by Kay Ebeling
Former professional transcriber...
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