Tuesday, July 8, 2014

My Gay Squash Plant

It only has male flowers

My gay squash plant is driving the bees crazy.  They buzz in and find a male, then fly out going nuts looking for a female flower.  “This dang gay squash plant,” I said to a neighbor walking by as I watered.  “It takes a whole bucket of water a night, sometimes two, and then all it does is produce male flowers.”

“Ain't that just like a man,” she laughed, and walked on.

I guess that's the nature of crook neck yellow squash.  You're supposed to plant more than one of them, or you end up like this, with an enormous plant that sucks up all the water and fertilizer and then never produces a vegetable. 

Oh my gay squash plant is nice to look at, with those bright yellow erect flowers, but it's kind of like living in West Hollywood.

This dang plant has nothing but male flowers.  So every day you see the guys lying around, their petals all splayed out and inviting in a way that makes me realize, man, sex is universal, a common denominator all over nature, probably all over the universe, in fact the Big Bang is probably one big orgasm, creation is one big ongoing orgasm, and you see it in these plants as they grow.

Except if you don't have both male and female flowers, it drives the bees crazy. 

They buzz in and find a male flower all splayed out with its balls pointing up.  The bee dives in and does its thing.

The bees really seem to like whatever it is they do in there. 

But then in my garden, the bee flies out going, okay, where is a female where is a female.  It hovers over a flower here and a flower there and all it can find is male flowers.  The bee goes around and around getting dizzy and crazy and flies off to other parts of the garden looking for a female and I don't think anyone else planted yellow crook neck squash in our little garden at this senior citizen apartment complex in Lancaster, so it's all a lost cause.

Like living in West Hollywood.

At left, all male flowers on one side

Below, all male flowers on other side

I stand out there every night watering this gay squash plant and all it ever really does is look good, and it does that good, it really does look good.

It is a pretty plant. 

But after I water it, I go back into my home feeling so empty.


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