Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Me and My Auto Immune Syndrome


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My own immune system is eating me alive and I'm somehow proud of it.  Now even though I can give the veneer of embracing life, subconsciously I'm apparently killing myself.  I don't know how to stop it, I can just feel the cellular destruction taking place.  And even if I had health insurance there’s a good chance I wouldn't beat this disease.  The only medication they have for things like lupus are steroids and antibiotics, both of which create side effects after a while that can be worse than the original symptom.  My goal is to just keep alive in spite of my immune system attacking me, over the months I’m watching things happen like my eyebrows falling off, swelling of infection all over me in unexpected places, running sores that appear for no apparent reason. 

Pain, lately it's leg pain.  I'm thinking auto immune disease is subconscious suicide, I'm watching the only part of me I wasn’t able to keep from going crazy go crazy. 

I've had this condition a long time, maybe all my life. 

I used to be so proud of my overactive immune system. 

A measles epidemic swept through our Pasadena California school district, when I was around nine years old.   I ended up being the only kid in class or one of a very few kids who didn't have the measles.  Everyone got a few days off for measles except me.  I even went to a friend’s house, snuck into her room, and drank from the water glass next to her bed where she was lying going through her case of measles.  Then went home and didn't feel any sickness at all.  Everybody got to have days off from school for measles except me.  I had to keep going to school, while they all stayed home eating pudding and watching the newly emerging daytime TV shows. 

Later in life the amped immune system got me through tough times.  Often a flu epidemic would fly through America in the eighties, nineties, I never got affected.  Watched other people puke and exude from other places, it never got to me.  Once I had the flu, in 2001 or so, one time.  It lasted a few days, nothing remarkable.  Other than that I've just ridden through all the flu epidemics without getting sick since flu epidemics started back in the 1960s?  Since I started paying attention, anyway. 

So now at age 64 plus I find myself with an immune system that still works overtime.  These chronic infections I have, I can feel the old girl battling it out inside.  That's where that pride comes in, the way I see my own body still at my age continuing to work so hard to fight the infections that are resulting from the insane part of the body, the lupus or whatever, the autoimmune mystery complex, a condition god knows how long I've had. 

So.  I have no health insurance and can’t take time off work to make my way through the maze of jammed clinics for those without health insurance where I live.  I know pretty much what I have from reading the internet and that research also shows there isn't really a good treatment for it, except rest and treating yourself really good, and trying to slow down the progress. 

I wouldn't be surprised though if some day they find out that auto immune diseases are subconscious suicide.  Suicide for the naturalist who can’t disrupt the Tao, the flow of life, by taking my own life, no matter how miserable I am. . . .

I just keep plodding on.
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Story continues here:

I feel like a Tim Burton character, Auto Immune Syndrome part 2


And Here:

Body Parts Falling Off. Auto Immune Part 3

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1 comment:

  1. I was around nine years old. I ended up being the only kid in class or one of a very few kids who didn't have the measles.


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