Thursday, September 22, 2016

More from the Invisible Demographic

Hillary Clinton is the ONLY politician EVER to bring up the issue of old women who have no social security to live on. And even she hasn't mentioned it in a while...

Last 20 years that I should have been working instead I put my family's needs first. Now I have No Social Security and No Family Either. I get to type from home until I die. should 'a paid more attention to gloria steinem and less attention to lizzie. sigh

if only i could get as much social security as the drunks on SSI, then I could stop this stupid job that isolates me at home and go out more often. But I'm not as valuable to the world as the drunks.

got to get to work, at least the subject matter is usually interesting there. All I have to do to commute is click on software. I used to think that was wonderful, now I miss the break room. Working from home is great when you are doing it so you're there when the kids come home from school but then what happens when the kids stop coming home... sigh, staying here to earn my dollars for the day and pay the bills, maybe watch a movie when I'm done. sigh

maybe it's me. Like when I'm reading a book in a cafe or park and a guy comes up and says, "Hey, a book. I read a book once," I don't continue the conversation. maybe it's me.


friends, help. I'm not isolating myself, my life is isolating me. I can't find anyone here, either. I've gone every place there is to go in 1.5 years I've lived here and have not connected with One Person. It's me, I'm terminally oblique. I go to library meetings even Mental Health groups. I'm over educated in an under educated world. I'm broke in a rich world or rich in a broke world, old in a youthful world. Invisible. I Don't Fit In Anywhere and am about to enter another holiday season where I'll be walking around with a fake smile on my face watching other people have fun. No. Yes. Again it's going to happen again, another Christmas with my curtains drawn. Wish I had some idea how to fix this. It's not like my neighbors are potential friends, I'm literally hiding from them. I've got 2 more years to wait for senior housing where I hope this will change, not sure I can wait that long to hold a conversation with someone. going nuts here.

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Comments
Kay Ebeling if you come to Tahoe, see that old lady sitting there by herself all the time? the one who always has a smile on her face but no one ever talks to? that's me.
LikeReply40 mins
James Glines There's two approaches here some could say they don't want to be friends because you are too much alike and the truth is we are all different and we have more alike in common than we have not alike and they say opposites attract what's missing is that chemistry attraction for no other reason other than you like them and they like you and don't give up
LikeReply39 mins
Kay Ebeling working in a retired world too
LikeReply136 mins
Kay Ebeling everyone I meet is twenty thirty years younger or if they are my age they are retired and don't even know what a computer is. I just don't fit in anywhere
LikeReply35 mins
Kay Ebeling the senior center is all people who have nothing to do all day. I'm rushing all the time with maybe two hours of free time. It would help if my job weren't done at home alone, bk often when I'm done work I have no energy to go out, so I'm just isolated by my life there's nothing I can do about it.
LikeReply34 mins
Kay Ebeling can't quit job as I'd then be homeless and not sure that would be better than this. So I stay home by myself and work so I can have that hoome to be all alone in.

I AM AN INVISIBLE OLD LADY, part of the Ignored Demographic. Senior citizen issues are easy to gloss over if you don't even see the seniors. 

Okay, when I do go out, I take time to dress nice, I present myself, I strike up conversations with everyone, maybe too much talk talk talk. I'm trying. I'm not isolating, it's that I moved to 7 cities in 6 years and lost touch. I think after another year or so, I'll start seeing the same persons and a friendship will develop. I am not going to quit, I have clean clothes lined up and try to get out every day, even if it's just to the corner store. The problem is I moved too often and got disconnected from everyone and at age 68 but not retired but not really working just doing this thing from home, it's a weird circumstance. It's a CHALLENGE. As so often in my life, I have different things going on than everyone else, that dates back to my weird childhood where- we moved once a year for 13 years so I Was Always the New Kid. Now i'm the new old lady. All I can do is keep going out with that smile, keep saying hello, eventually someone will notice there's a human being under that hat.

Also I arrived in Tahoe with amnesia. I don't remember anything in my life from before March 2016. I have this job, work shows up in my email, and when I complete it they send me a check once a month. That keeps the rent paid. To get the jobs, I email back and forth with a woman in Burbank, but I don't know who she is, I've never met her.
Pictures keep popping up on my screen of a beautiful young girl who looks a lot like me, her name is apparently Lizzie or Elizabeth, but I don't know who she is. Right after moving here to town, I had an ugly argument with a female that might have been her over FB messages, I don't know. The argument seemed to be the end of a long series of arguments that were very-very ugly.
I don't remember anything from before March 2016.
I also get email and items from friends on Facebook about the Catholic Church and pedophile priests. Those articles must have something to do with me, but I'm not sure what.
I don't remember anything from before March 2016. That's my way of dealing with the trauma, I call it controlled PTSD, manipulated and managed PTSD, purposeful amnesia to stop thinking about the horrible shit all the time.
Maybe that will help.


sigh 
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