Monday, May 1, 2017

Best of Bill Maher opening monologue April 28

No work this AM so listening to weekend shows, decided to put Bill Maher’s jokes from Friday night into the CofA Winging It Transcript project. Here are some jokes from his opening monologue:

Give yourselves a hand for getting through a hundred days of Donald Trump.  It's like Lent if we all gave up reality. 

Some people of course are disappointed at his lack of accomplishments, Vladimir Putin.  All that work for nothing. 

You know who thinks Trump is doing a great job?  Yes, Donald Trump.  Who’d a thought, a reporter asked him to grade himself and he gave himself an A.
And you can trust that grade because he used to own a fake university. 

[In recent interview Trump said] Nobody knew that President-ing would be so hard.  It looks so easy in the movies when Morgan Freeman does it. 

He's like the Manchurian Candidate but you don’t even have to hypnotize him.


There does seem to be a pattern emerging, first Donald Trump pulls something out of his ass and says so easy to fix, so easy.  Then phase two, nobody knew it was hard.  And then phase three we go back to what Obama was doing.  NAFTA, the Iran Deal, China, ISIS, NAFTA all the campaign all he talked about fucking disaster.
You know what happened this week, he talked to the Mexican president and he talked to the Canadian Prime Minister, now NAFTA is back on. Same thing happened when he talked to the Chinese president, now we're on his side.
He's like the Manchurian Candidate but you don’t even have to hypnotize him.

Plainly we have this president who knows nothing, not even the basics, like how a bill becomes a law, how many branches of government, what BREXIT is.
He's like a baby with a mobile over his head and he's just learning about things.

He unveiled his tax plan this week. I don't have time to go into details, just suffice it to say, the wealthiest people in America are finally going to be catching a break.  [APPLAUSE]  Tax plan?  What a charitable word for it.  It was one page with no math.  That's not a tax plan, that's a resume for a manager at Chuck E Cheese.  They said, well it's rough.  Rough?  I mean this is so rough it needs a safe word. 

Treasury Secretary Steve Munchkin said he wants people’s taxes to fit on the back of a post card.  And on the front of the post card, an ad for twenty percent off on Ivanka’s strappy sandals.

("Strappy sandals" refers to a Maher joke I did not put here, you have to find the April 28 2017 show somewhere to watch it and get the reference.)

Posted by Kay
Reeling in the real

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