Tuesday, May 9, 2017

Purposeful Amnesia, cont'd

To do purposeful amnesia one must move forward only. 
(More Life Story )
I took public transit down to Carson City for an errand yesterday, after a night of tears over my daughter, again, and as we rode down the mountain, I remembered something I wrote a few months back that was a really good idea, and then I forgot about it.  So here it is again.
I need to practice Purposeful Amnesia
At some point you have to train your mind to purposely forget a horrible thing that happened to you or memory of it will destroy you.  You have to give yourself amnesia on purpose.
It's funny because when I was five years old and raped by Father Horne-y, I stuffed the memory by imagining it was St. Michael the Archangel finger banging me under a tree, and because of that I survived …
Now no matter how bad things seem, I WANT to thrive, I want to see how this Trump thing turns out, I want to see what it's like to be an old lady, I want to see what America is like as a Russian colony.  I might end up better off, who knows. So I have to keep my mind sharp, not incapacitated by intrusive images of awful things from recent experience. 
Practicing purposeful amnesia has its romantic side.  As I ride down the mountain, I think of myself as Tippi Hedrin in that  Alfred Hitchcock movie, shoot I even kind of look like her if she got to be seventy years old, the movie where she's a kleptomaniac and doesn't know why and it ends up having to do with repressed memories from her childhood... 
Those closeups of her face were so dramatic as she carried out her thievery in San Francisco department stores and the camera gazed into her eyes. . . that's me now riding the 19X through Gardnerville not even knowing why. 
I have to practice purposeful amnesia. 
Problem is I'm not sure how to do it.  Don’t want to have a kneejerk reaction and get drunk to forget as inevitably I’d get sober and still remember everything on top of a huge headache (voice of experience). Not about to bang my own head against a wall. 
I have a set of skills that keeps a roof over my head, although I don't know how I got them.  I'm living in a vacation town with a lake and trees and beautiful sights no matter where the eye falls.  I don't remember how I ended up here, I vaguely remember being here as a child with my parents but it's changed so much since then.
The key to purposeful amnesia is Moving Forward.  
You can't just be in the present as that is too close to the past. 
You have to move forward, consciously and even aggressively. 
As I figure out how to do purposeful amnesia, I'll share my discoveries here as others may need to do same someday.  
Forward movement. You can't even linger on the present, no matter how Zen it is, as it's too easy to slip from there into the past. In order to do purposeful amnesia one must move forward only. 
Last night I got news that another tax agency is just going to take a fourth of my check next few months, there is nothing I can do to stop them.
I turned off the laptop saying, go ahead take it, rob me blind, I'm used to it. just don’t take away my wonderful foam bed. The heater kicked on and I rolled over and slept better than I have in years.  
Stay tuned.
america is no longer a super power, already, as a result of trump, and that's fine with me. Tear it apart, it's not working anyway. Uh-oh, sounds like I'm becoming a zombie too. No, just too old and tired to fight anymore... take me to the Russian colony's version of senior housing, I'll bet a hundred pennies it's better than the places available to me now. my2cents just this morning, could change tomorrow, just feeling defeated and amazed at how liberating that is.
Can't stop thinking of damage Flynn did in those 18 days.
By Kay Ebeling
surviving under a tree 

Hope I don't move forward so fast I forget about purposeful amnesia again 

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