Sunday, May 7, 2017

Electronic Force Field keeps me in a tiny box

I’d love to go to church and be part of that thing that happens all around me every Sunday. But how can you pretend to believe in a thing after harsh truth has been thrown in your face proving to you that thing is false? How I do miss those Sunday mornings in church, though, the songs, the camaraderie of Mass and seeing friends from there later in other places.  All that now is denied me.  If I even try to walk into a church, I'm confronted with all the stuff I learned doing City of Angels Blog as one of the pedophilepriest victims last ten years.  You can't unlearn a harsh truth once it's been thrown in your face.  If I tried to go to any Christian church today, as I have now several times, as soon as they started quoting some biblical verse, I’d be hard put to not shout out loud, “Are you kidding me, you still believe that shit?” because that is the inevitable reaction I have when I try to go to church, as a human being who experienced what I experienced.  There was no malice in my loss of faith, I did not stop believing as a way to crucify Christ all over again, in fact, I think I’d like the guy if I ever met him.  I’d probably like most the people in his churches too if I could ever get to know them.  But I forever, FOREVER, have this chain link fence around me that causes me to have to hide in plain sight and watch other people carry out America’s holidays and special events, every one of which seems to have a connection to a church, which prevents my entry with an energy like an electronic force field.  A few weeks back I rode over to the local St. Whoever and sat on a big rock outside, wishing I could enter, but I just could not.  So here I am in a small town where the main source of social interaction is a church or a casino.  I guess I could develop a love for casinos but… for now I'll just hide in plain sight and do all I have to do to survive.  What else can one do?  Thank god for YouTube.

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